Friday, 26 July 2013


Genitalia: a small country in the southern hemisphere, noted for its peculiar geography . . .

The poets wax lyrical about the act of love, despite the fact that the equipment involved looks like roadkill . . .

There's an old joke:
Q: Why do dogs lick their genitals?
A: Because they can.

If men could do that, they'd never get out of bed in the morning.

Have you ever had that dream where you can suck your own cock? If you woke up with backache and a strange taste in your mouth, maybe it wasn't a dream . . . Even worse, is the dog giving you funny looks, and being much more affectionate than usual?

Considering their function, the most beautiful thing in life, why are genitals so ugly? And, as for the foreskin; what was Mother Nature thinking? Which brings to mind:

I was in the pub, during the Swine Flu panic.

Me: "I woke up this morning, and turned on the breakfast news: Swine Flu! We're all doomed . . . Then I bought my morning paper: Swine flu! We're all doomed . . . Buying a coffee in the canteen. On the radio: Swine flu! We're all doomed . . .

It used to be geographical: Egyptian flu, Spanish flu . . . Then I guess they ran out of countries, so it's animals now: Bird flu, swine flu . . . What next? Crayfish flu, wasp flu . . . and when they run out of animals: Geranium flu . . .

"Anyway, I've got it sussed: I'm gonna convert to Jewishness, so's the swine flu can't get me . . ."

Jewish dude, sitting at the end of the bar with a couple of friends: "You're going to convert to Jewishness? I think you mean Judaism."

Me, doing Jewish accent and gestures: "Jew dey is, Jew dey isn', who can tell?"

Jewish dude: "Oy veh . . . So, you think converting to (sigh) Jewishness will protect you from swine flu?"

Me: "Well, Jewish folks can't have anything to do with pigs, right? It's gotta be worth a go. It can't hurt, can it?"

Jewish dude: "It could hurt: You'd have to be circumcised . . ."

Me: " Well, you know what they say about circumcision?"

Jewish dude: "I'm going to regret this, but, OK, vhat do they say about circumcision?"

Me: "It's no skin off my nose."

Jewish dude: "A goyische Jackie Mason, yet . . ."

Me: "Hey, you do a pretty convincing Jewish accent yourself!"

Landlady: "That's because he is Jewish, you idiot."

Jewish dude (pointing at his impressive schnozzer): "Vhat? You can't see the nose?"

Me: "See it? I could pick it for you, I'm nearer to it than you are."

Landlady: "Ien!" Turns to Jewish dude: "I'm sorry about him . . ."

Anyway, you know how if you lie on your back and watch your bollocks, after a while, the right one will haul itself upwards? Then, a while later, it will lower itself back down. Nothing will happen for a while, then the left one will haul itself up . . .

It occurred to me that you could film this, speed it up, and set it to music!

When I were a nipper, I caught my helmet in my zip. The worst thing was, I had to go to my mum for help. We were poor, and my mum couldn't afford to ruin a perfectly good pair of school trousers (I guess she could have cut out the zip, and sewed a new zip in, but she couldn't be arsed) so she gripped the zip, and yanked it down . . . If you listen carefully, you can still hear the echo of my screams. These days, I favour button flies.

And why do yer genitals sweat so much? Working as a bus driver, I'm sitting in the driving seat nine hours a day. In the summer, the smell in the cab would make your sinuses implode. You know you've done a day's work when yer knackers are welded to yer undercrackers.

Depictions of sex on TV:

Apparently, all American women have sex with their bra on. It's all beautifully choreographed. Genitals don't seem to be involved at any stage. Also, there's no grimacing, grunting or squelching; I must be doing something wrong.

The worst sexual experience I ever had was after a party in Dartford. A girl was giving me a blowjob; she got overambitious, gagged, and vomited all over my nadgers.

Despite all this, I'm rather fond of my genitals . . . even if they do look like the Muppet from Hell . . .

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